HOW TO TALK TO YOUR PARTNER ABOUT SEX
by Harsh Shah on Dec 19, 2022
It may feel awkward at first, but talking about your wants and needs can transform your relationship.
Sex is a life-affirming act, as well as one of the most intimate things you can do with someone else. But discussing it? So much more difficult. "You are much more vulnerable talking about sex than doing it," says a sex, love, and relationships expert.
The good news is that opening up will make you happier at any stage of your life, according to experts, and your sex life will benefit as well. According to the FPA, a sexual health charity, "by sharing your likes, dislikes, and expectations, you can learn more about how to please each other."
Inappropriate Sex Communication:
Inappropriate sex communication "Is frequently a sign that you're communicating poorly about everything," says, a psychosexual and relationship therapist. "When a couple comes to me with a sexual problem, it's rarely just about that. Someone with low desire, for example, may have harbored 20 years of resentment about something else."
Is it ever a bad idea to talk about sex?
"It's never good to complain about your partner's performance," says, a relationship therapist. According to experts, you should always judge your partner's level of comfort. "Don't say anything that could endanger them."
So, where do you begin? Here are some suggestions for making your sex talk as beneficial, productive, and enjoyable as possible.
Get Started Right Away
According to experts, it's best to start talking about sex early in a relationship because the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be. "Start with simple conversations about consent or contraception to build trust and intimacy, You can then go from there based on what feels good and what doesn't."
Start Low And Go Slow
When it comes to sharing fantasies. "Start with some gentle, vanilla fantasies to see how your partner reacts. This will aid in the development of trust and intimacy. You have time if you're in a long-term relationship. Make sure to inform your partner of their role in your fantasy so they don't feel excluded or threatened."
However, it is never too late to begin.
"If a couple has gone years or decades without really talking about sex, I often suggest an amnesty, They should try to forget everything that has happened before." couples act as if they've never met. This allows them to concentrate on what they want for the future rather than what has happened in the past, communication can be a real issue for older people who haven't grown up with the tools. "If a person is relaunching later in life, such as after a divorce or the death of a partner, I advise them to talk about their expectations before jumping into bed with a new person."
Tell About Your Fantasies
People are reluctant to share their sexual fantasies; in fact, only half of us have done so, Tell Your Partner What You Want. However, there are numerous benefits to doing so. "People who talk about their fantasies have the happiest sexual relationships, However, there's a lot of shame surrounding them."
97% of fantasies fall into the same broad categories: multi-partner sex, rough sex, novelty and adventure, voyeurism and fetishes, non-monogamous sex, deeper emotional connection, and gender fluidity. "We're more normal than we realize,". Sharing our fantasies, whether we act on them or not, is a simple way to add variety to our sex lives. And simply expressing them may be enough to arouse them.
Everything Revolves Around Timing.
"Talking about sex just before or after you've had it may seem more natural, "but talking in the heat of the moment, without your clothes on, may make you feel vulnerable." Instead, schedule time away from the bedroom when neither of you is rushed.
Accept Responsibility For Your Own Enjoyment
"One of the most effective exercises I do in couples therapy is to ask couples to go away and focus solely on their own pleasure, rather than that of their partner,". "That way, they're not thinking, 'I've got to please this person'. It alleviates performance anxiety, which can be very distracting. It's life-changing: when they
Start talking; they have so much more information to share."
If you own your experience in this way, it makes it more difficult to criticize the other person. "People believe they have the power to give another person an orgasm - they don't. Nobody has the power to "not" give you an orgasm if you take ownership of it." It becomes more difficult to blame the other person in this manner.
Be Specific And Explain
Your partner is not a mind reader: if you don't feel like having sex because you just had a coffee and your breath stinks, or you just went to the toilet and feel dirty, tell them. Otherwise, they will be confused as to why they are being pushed away and will feel rejected. "One of the questions I frequently ask couples in therapy is, how do you cope with no, and how do you deliver a no?".
Be Positive Rather Than Critical
Use "I" rather than "You" sentences, "It's less accusatory, and it puts you in command. 'I feel...' as opposed to 'You make me feel...'." Be nice to your partner, "Rather than saying, 'Stop doing that,' say, 'I really like it when...'."
According to the FPA, always say something positive - something your partner has done that you like - before you say something negative this applies to non-sex conversations too.
"I call it 'fact, feelings, and a reasonable request. "So, 'I've noticed that you like...' or 'I have a feeling that...'. It provides useful feedback to the other person rather than making them feel nagged." Be vocal about what feels good - sometimes the conversation can be as simple as 'that felt really, really, good - let's do that again'.
Pay Attention And Ask Questions
According to Campbell, one of the most significant problems in communication is that people do not know how to listen. "They are so concerned with not injuring themselves or the other person that they spend the entire time thinking about what to say next, rather than truly listening."
How do you go about doing this? "Pause your emotional reaction and try to be curious, detached, and present, Say to your companion, 'Tell me more about that.'"
Put yourself in their shoes. "You must also try to accept what you are hearing. We are hardwired to believe that our reality is the only one and that other points of view are incorrect." Fix that, she says, and these problematic discussions will be much easier.
AADAR even being a Men's Wellness Platform, understands both genders very well. A relationship is two people's responsibilities where both sides have to contribute equally and understand mutually during their partner's highs and lows. A relationship is both partner’s responsibilities where you have to give your partner the best emotionally, mentally as well as physically.